


James Jesse: Private Instigator

by KingWatney



Category: The Flash (Comics), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 06:52:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18191213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingWatney/pseuds/KingWatney
Summary: James comes to brighten Hartley's day with another dubious idea.





	James Jesse: Private Instigator

Based on this tumblr post by Katzedecimal: http://katzedecimal.tumblr.com/post/168524455583/gorogues-eileentothestars-gorogues

James was on the couch when Hartley came downstairs that morning, flipping through channels and eating Fruit Loops like he owned the place. Which he didn’t. But these kinds of uninvited visits were just another part of their weird friendship that Hartley had come to accept. It wasn’t like locked doors could keep the Trickster out, and Hartley really preferred that James let himself in rather than scare the hell out of him by knocking on his window in the middle of the night (something that James somehow always managed to do after Hartley made the mistake of watching a horror movie). As long as he followed certain ground rules, like not using Hartley’s place as a hide-out when on the lam, and not taking anything more valuable than food and basic supplies, Hartley didn’t really mind. 

“Morning, Hart! You’re just in time for My Cat from Hell.” Animal Planet was one of the few channels that they could agree on, as Hartley really didn’t enjoy cowboy movies or Looney Tunes (except for the ones that used snippets of classical music – he’d always have a soft spot for “The Rabbit of Seville.”) 

“Mornin’,” Hartley mumbled, heading into the kitchen for coffee and his own bowl of Fruit Loops. He’d heard the sound of the TV as he woke up that morning, and assuming that it wasn’t that horrible ghost from Ringu come to get him (why had he ever watched that movie?), figured that it must be James. The other Rogues would have woken him up banging around the condo looking for beer, and Flash would have had the decency to knock. He settled on the couch with his food, content to just watch cats on TV until coffee turned him into a coherent person. 

“Going for the sugary cereal, too? I’d expected you to be all healthy with a bran muffin or something.” 

“I don’t just keep the Fruit Loops around for you, James. Even if you usually wind up eating most of them.” 

“Hey, I consider it my duty to save you from bad dietary choices. For your health.” James tipped his bowl back to drink the sugar-infused milk. Hartley couldn’t help a jealous glance sideways – he didn’t know how the other man maintained such a lean and muscular physique when he seemed to live off cupcakes and jellybeans. The acrobatic maneuvers that went into his heists probably had something to do with it. Hartley jerked his attention back to the TV before his sideways look could turn into something more. It was too early in the morning to be staring too long at his irritatingly handsome friend. 

“How very generous of you. So, did you just come over here to heroically eat my cereal?” 

“Nah, that was just a bonus service. You know me, I’m full of helpful favors.” 

“Sure….” Harley rolled his eyes, taking a swig of coffee. 

“I wanted to show you something. My new, 100% legitimate business that I’m starting, so I can go on the straight and narrow like you. Well, maybe not straight, but you know what I mean.” 

“Really?” Hartley wasn’t sure whether to be excited at the prospect. He wanted James to give up crime, both so that he’d stop hurting people, and so that he wouldn’t wind up facing the horrors of Iron Heights, a place they both knew all too well. But James had also taken multiple stabs at reforming before, and always wound up sliding back into villainy, mostly due to boredom. Hartley had no confidence this would last. 

“Don’t think I can’t hear the lack of confidence in your tone, my musical friend. But I’m serious about this. It could be a great career for me. Check it out!” James shoved a flyer under Hartley’s nose. 

**James Jesse – Private Instigator.**  
**Liven up your dull parties!**  
**Drive away your daughter’s annoying boyfriend!**  
**Break up the office clique at work!**  
**James Jesse will solve your problems!**  
**Can work discreetly, or for maximum public humiliation. You decide!**

“James, what…..?” Hartley stammered, while another James pushed another flyer at him. 

**James Jesse – Private Instigator**  
**Tired of boring birthdays? Want to see some action at the office party? Need to ruin your cousin’s wedding?**  
**Hire James Jesse, and I guarantee:**  
**Drunken confessions!**  
**Wine thrown!**  
**Friendships ended!**  
**Hilarious fist-fights!**  
**I will turn your tedious event into a Youtube-worthy train-wreck! Watch your friends and relatives make fools of themselves, while you come off as the only sane one. That’s the James Jesse promise!**

“What is this?” Hartley seriously wondered if he was being pranked. 

“My new career, Hartley! Professional shit-stirrer.” 

“Can…can you make a career out of that?” 

“I dunno, Hartley. Watch literally any reality show ever, then ask me that again. Don’t worry, it’ll all be totally legal. I’m not gonna commit any crimes. I’m just gonna show up at parties, read the room, and then start saying the wrong things to the right people. Or the right things to the wrong people. Either way, I’ll just be like, the match setting off the powder keg.” 

“But who would actually pay for this kind of service? I mean, outside of reality TV. I assume this isn’t meant to be a TV show?” Hartley could picture it, though. It was only a small step-up from Real Housewives and Punked to something like what James was suggesting. People would probably watch. And maybe that kind of attention would actually keep James away from crime for awhile? Not an entirely bad thing.

“Not a TV show….yet. I mean, time will tell. I wanna establish the business first before I pitch anything to Bravo. But I’ll definitely have customers. Rich kids who wanna get rid of their parent’s gold-digging partner. Corporate climbers who want to sabotage their rivals. Scorned lovers seeking revenge at their ex’s wedding. Or anyone who wants to spice up a boring evening. Everyone loves watching a good public scene, Hartley. Most people just won’t admit it.” 

“I guess.” Hartley took another gulp of his coffee, needing to caffeine to deal with this latest ridiculous chapter of “Trickster’s Bright Ideas.” He wanted to believe better of human nature, but he couldn’t really deny that there were a lot of petty people out there. And there was something entertaining about peace shattering into chaos – even he had gotten a thrill out of it during his days as a criminal.

“You don’t sound super-enthused there, Hart. I thought I’d have your support. I am trying to turn over a new leaf, here. That’s what you wanted, right?” James was now staring at him with those expressive blue eyes, pouting slightly. Hartley felt a tug on his heartstrings, despite knowing that the puppy-dog expression was something James could turn on and off like a light switch. 

“I am glad you’re thinking of giving up crime, honestly. I’m just afraid you’ll wind up in some kind of trouble doing this. And it seems a little cruel.” Not quite as cruel as some of the Trickster’s other cons, but still. 

“I’m surprised, Hartley. This was your idea. You’re the one who suggested it in the first place. You said it would be an ideal career for me!” 

“What? I never…..” Hartley trailed off, thinking back through old conversations. Something clicked. 

“James, I said you should be a private _investigator_.” 

“…..oh.” 

For a moment, Trickster seemed to be deep in thought. Then he shrugged. 

“I like this idea better.”


End file.
